Sometimes you don't like what you see

With all the fun that you can have with being a police officer and all the good you can affect in society, there are times when you see things you don't want to see.

I just had someone from HR where I work come up to me and tell me they saw me on tv. This wasn't as fun to hear as it was several years ago. In fact, someone recognized me on tv stuffing my face with samplers at a wine tasting event. It was great, because I remember that moment when I was putting the pastries down the hatch and turning only to be met with some guy with a large camera on his shoulder a lot closer to me than one would expect given, ya know, zoom lenses. So that's what came to mind when this person said they saw me on tv. They said they had to do a double take because they were surprise to see me there.

That was, until I asked why I was on tv and she said I was in uniform and it had to do with the boy that died.

I don't like remembering that event. It's one of those things that I try to block as part of me 'getting over it'.

It wasn't a horrible thing, in fact, I've seen a lot worse, usually having to do with suicide or with some type of death that hadn't been found in a while.

But I will never get that screenshot, for lack of better terms, out of my mind. Since the legal process is still moving on this one, I can't reveal much on this. I suppose to tv mention was about a next step in the charges / trial.

The story is basically this, an uncle and his wife have 11 year old nephew over. Nephew is found dead the next morning having just died (he was still warm when we got there). Uncle suggests maybe the boy got into some booze and drank too much. It came out that uncle and wife had been playing drinking games with the nephew the night before. Nephew ended up unresponsive the next morning (when we were called) and was taking by ambulance to the hospital where he was pronounced dead.

I recall showing up with my trainee. I wasn't the first responder, but I got there fast enough to be assigned to take charge of the crime scene perimeter. So I seized the opportunity to show the trainee how to do the crime scene, the crime scene log, etc. I had heard reports that the boy was most likely dead at this point. They were still working on him inside.

The snapshot happened when they got him on the stretcher and brought him outside. They really had no choice but to go through the entrance that I created, bringing the boy by me.

Funny thing, now that I try, I can't really remember his face, I can only remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach and how his face was tilted slightly to the side. But I remember him going by, knowing he did not make it, but they were still trying. It's a lot harder to give up when it's a child. It's a lot harder to get over it when it's a child.

There are times when we wish we could take back those snapshots that most people don't have to deal with.  I believe that is the burden that officers take on when they put on the shield. Not that we have to put up with people's garbage sometimes, but that we have to see the worst and have to live with those pictures forever.

Perhaps time is the only way to make those pictures fade.