So, I've been talking with several people lately, some friends, some class mates, and from what I hear, romance is dead. And it's always women I hear say that. Some say that it never existed and is just something for the books, some have said that it's something of the past. Although, the people I've heard say it are usually in a long-term relationship who seem to have resigned themselves to the fact that THEY will never get romance in their relationship but are not going to be ending their relationship. They've convinced themselves that romance is a pipe-dream and doesn't really exist because it doesn't, and will never, exist for them. If romance truly existed, but doesn't for them, then they feel bad about their relationship. If romance doesn't exist for anyone, then it's not bad that they don't have it in their relationship.
Did that sum it up?
Well, to those women who believe that romance is dead, you're right! And to those who feel that romance is NOT dead, you're right!
But I'm going to say that it's only partially your fault. But not in the same way as it is ours.
I'm going to put out an idea, a belief of mine, that is most likely sexist, but rings true based on my observations.
Women have nothing to do with Romance.
Now, the following musings are generalities, not stereotypes or hard and fast rules. Every rule gets broken and every standard is reset. So when I say, women buy romance novels (read that: smut), I realize there is a segment of society who purchase romance novels and do not fit into the statistical norm of "woman", for instance, a man. But really, the vast majority of romance novel consumers are women. Thus ends my generality side note.
Really, woman have nothing to do with romance. Ladies, have you ever set up a romantic dinner with candles, music, and great food only to see your husband (or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever) come home and look like they are really appreciative of what you've done? It happens! They actually come home and appreciate your effort. (I know, I know. A lot come home and complain because they wanted something else for dinner. That's for another post). But the difference is, they are not appreciating the romance of the setting, they are appreciating the effort.
I'm not saying men are dead to the reception of romance, or that a woman can't create it. But if we look at what's in the novels that sell millions and millions of copies all have the same damned story: Women are not the creators of romance. Women are the consumers. But they are not discriminating consumers. More on this later.
Romance comes from men. There it is, really. The sexist belief I have.
And here's my justification (and remember stereotype vs generality). Men don't want to be romanced. They are not excited when the get to work and find a fresh bouquet of flowers on their desk. They most likely won't notice the extra red candle on the table or little things like that. Now, I'm not belittling those little things. But really, they are little.
You see, romance is a little thing. Things guys don't necessarily want and most likely won't notice at all! And this is where you, being a woman, have probably found heartache in the past. You added the extra candle, had the dinner settings ready, or did some little, romantic thing, and he completely ignored it which in turn hurt your feelings, which in turn started another one of those, "You never pay attention to me," arguments that never end well and cause you to question your relationship.
The problem is, he didn't ignore it; he simply didn't see it.
You would have seen it though. You probably would have noticed right away, which is why you think he HAD to have seen it and is just ignoring it. Sweetheart, we are wired differently. Whether it's because we are wired from birth or our wires get connected by our parents as we grow up, it doesn't matter. We are simply wired differently. I have no explanation for any of the why's. I can just tell you, we don't notice those little things most of the time. And if we do, we don't connect the fact that the little thing was done specifically for us!
We just don't. Doesn't mean we suck as human beings. And I know that once you understand that we simply don't make those connections, you will be less pissed off when we... well... don't make those connections. Really, it would be silly to blame someone for something they simply have never been taught to do.
But it's important to you, isn't it? Romance that is. It's important enough that you will start an argument, feel your worth lessened, and have your self-confidence suffer because you don't get romance. In fact, you will become one of those people who says, "Romance never existed," or, "Romance is a thing of the past." You will simply harden your heart, realize you are in a romanceless relationship and suck it up. I'm sorry for you. And before I get on to the men, I want to explain your fault in this.
Men do not teach their sons romance. Women do not teach their sons romance. So how the hell are men supposed to learn romance? It's very simple. Two things really.
First off, you must be worthy of romance. I'm not saying that every woman should not be put on a throne and worshiped, because I believe the opposite. Really, all women should be. However, I need to point out, and this may be harsh, but if you are a lazy slob who does not shower, and whines and bitches about every little thing, including all the good things in your life... well... you need to understand that romance is a decision. It's not a man's choice to want to get all up in your business. If you are attractive, then you are attractive. You may be able to offer sex, but you cannot offer happiness when your heart and soul are mush. I'm sorry, but if you are mush, no one is going to choose to romance you. They may choose to woo you, to seduce you, to please you, so they can have sex with you, but they will never choose to romance you. And that's your own damned fault. These little barbie girls these mothers are producing are going to be women that men want to have sex with and throw away. They are not producing girls that, no matter what they look like, will have a heart and soul that men will find worthy of changing their own ways so they can just partake of her company.
Second, how do you think men find out about romance? Trial and error. Why? What's the motivation? To make you happy. Not to get into your pants. He can woo you with a candle light dinner to get into your pants (and that is COMPLETELY up to you), but he will romance you with a candle light dinner to make you happy. Romance is about happiness.
Here's the problem, women, with all their talking and heart to hearts, really do suck at communication. No more so then men. But just keep that in mind. Women are not the better communicators. They may be able to talk to each other and "understand" each other, but when it comes to men, the communication suffers. For instance, how does a man know if you are unhappy? I can tell you very easily how the immature couples know, he does or does not do something and gets chastised and made to feel like shit. Really, that covers a good majority of the circumstances out there. What is his motivation now? Avoid the whip. Men who are taught to avoid the whip grow to have little emotion, ESPECIALLY with their spouse. Their joy and happiness is probably found with their friends, but when they come home, thus ends the joy and begins the "avoid the whip" emotion.
How did that communication work out for you? Let me give you another example. You want to spend some time with your husband and suggest perhaps going on a small picnic in the park on a day you know he has nothing else to do. In response he says he's really not in the mood for that. So, you turn, walk away, and are in a completely foul mood because he NEVER wants to spend time with you. Or worse, you don't walk away and start accusing him of never wanting to spend time with you. You know this happens. Perhaps not in this context, but it happens. You want something that appears like emotion, or love, or desire for your person from your significant other, and when he says no, you show your unhappiness either by throwing it in his face, or by going off to do something without him cause you didn't need him in the first place. I'm not saying all women do this and I'm not even making a generality. I'm pointing out what some women do. The problem is, you are training your husband to respond to the whip and not your happiness. Because when he reacts to what you just did, even if he does that action that you wanted him to do (let's say it was going to the park), he is not trying to make you happy... he is trying to avoid your unhappiness.
Romance is about happiness.
You need to tell him what makes you happy. If while telling him about the park, you add, "it would make me happy," you have given him a wealth of information that he can use for the rest of his life. Or if he says no, tell him that it's something you like doing and it would make you happy.
I'm not giving you some magic answer here. This is not going to suddenly make all guys romantics. But convicting him of something he doesn't know really is inappropriate in this. Ignorance in romance really is an excuse and the penal system is no way of education a man about romance. You have to use the word, "Happy." If you don't use that word, you've denied your man the only opportunity he will EVER get to learn about romance in a positive environment. Really. That's it. You're it. If you don't use the words, "that will make me happy," he will never, ever know. Because no book can teach a man what YOU want. A book can teach about a women's anatomy, and developmental psychology, but it will never teach him which candle scent is your favorite or which ice cream flavor makes you feel like a kid again. It's You. If you are not willing to teach a man what makes you happy, then you will end up with a man who doesn't know how to make you happy.
Got, it guys? It's all their fault.
Seriously, you believe that right?
Dumbass! And that's exactly why they point their fingers at you and say you don't care. Cause you act like you don't. Act. That's part of act-ion. If you need I can get a couple sesame street characters to help put that together for you. Act----shun. Act---shun. Act--shun. Act-shun. Get it? No action = no caring.
Romance is in your hands. Quite literally. They are actions you CHOOSE to do for the sole purpose of your spouses happiness.
I realize some people are old school, and the woman cleans and the man works, and dinner better be ready at the right time. Some people still live in these types of marriages. And if it works for the both of you, have it at! No one should really care except the two of you. However, romance has been around for a long time and is in every continent, age group, social class, industry, and occupation out there. If you work cattle, bring her a flower you find growing next to the building. If you work on computers (and she does too), through in a ram upgrade, or put together a night where you and her join up to kill thousands of aliens together. Whatever it is, it's available to you.
There are two ingredients for you, guys, in creating romance. Now, this was fairly easy for the women because they only had to do two things, 1) Don't be mush, 2) Communicate what makes them happy. You have it a little harder.
First off, you need to find out what makes them happy. I know. I bet some guys stopped reading right there. However, you really need to find out. BUT, even if you don't know first off. There are some generics that would at least SHOW that you are attempting. And an attempt at romance is a lot closer to romance than sitting on your ass and watching the game. And by generics I mean anything unexpected, or a selfless habit. For instance, when was the last time she got a single flower simply because today's name ended in Y? When was the last time you made dinner for her? And I don't mean tv, but actually had to pull out a recipe book and work at it. How about a surprise babysitter and date? What about a little piece of paper ripped of the grocery list with "I love you" written on it stashed where you know she will find it?
These are good ideas until you learn about what she likes. Favorite smells, favorite candles, favorite hobbies, what's on her bucket list?
Get it? First learn what makes her happy.
Second: DO IT! Romance is an action. It is not the longing look into each other's eyes. It's not the way you feel or she feels that morning. Romance is an action that YOU do. For the sole purpose of making her happy.
And I realize that life turns us into creatures of habit and least resistance. Let me tell you, romance will not get you laid. Romance will not make you rich. Romance will not do ANYTHING for you. I want that to be very, very clear. Guys, romance will give you NOTHING. Except a happy wife.
And I hate that I probably have to spell this out for some of you guys. But, from a happy wife springs forth EVERYTHING else.
Come on now. I'm pretty much giving you the keys to the universe here, guys. Remember back to when you were going to drop some news on your wife that you knew was going to depend on her mood as to how she took it? Like, "I'm going to the bar with the boys tonight," or "I'm heading out camping with the guys this weekend," or more realistically, "do you mind if I go to the bar with the boys tonight?" :-) If she's in a bad mood, aka unhappy, you probably know what the reaction is going to be. Even if it's a "yes, go for it," you know that her bad mood may put razor blades into that answer. However, if she's in a good mood, even a "No" will still come across as a positive thing.
Her happiness is pretty much paramount in your life. And if she EVER says, "romance is dead," it's YOUR fault. Because it's by your hands romance is created. It's by your hands that romance is given life. And when she says, "romance is dead," she is saying that your active desire to make her happy is dead.
I suppose that's it. The women's part was longer because it was a little more complex. Your's is black and white. Action to make her happy. The rest is in your hands.
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